Cleaning, life.

Last semester, after failing to finish an assignment, I sent this email to my journalism professor, G. Morris:

Overwhelmed Student Seeks Sympathy

“I really didn’t think it would come to this,” said Hannah Levine, 21, an English major who was working at the writing center this Wednesday morning. “I thought I could finish my research assignment. I didn’t think I needed an extension.”

Levine stared at her MacBook, which now has a broken “k” key. According to Levine, it broke while she was furiously typing the word “kryptonite.” Dressed in wrinkled jeans as she chugged a king-sized Redbull, Levine said that she took on too much this week. “I have fifteen articles to edit for the school paper, a political science paper to write, a presentation to prepare for English class and a poetry reading to cover,” she said. “I hate to do this, but I have to ask Professor Morris for an extension.”

When this reporter asked why she didn’t ask for an extension earlier, Levine let out an exasperated sigh and continued staring at her Macbook. “I thought that I could handle it all. Sometimes I think I’m Superwoman.”

Levine said that, at this point, her only hope is that Professor Morris will give her an extension of a few days so she can follow-up with some officers from student government, and not have to “half ass” it. “I don’t even know how to half ass it,” she said. “I’m like a dysfunctional type-A personality, or something.”

I'm a flag waving Type A personality. But I didn't always wave my flag so high. In fact, for many years, I did everything I could to stifle the intensely motivated side of me (hello, Mary Jane) in order to keep the same pace with people around me (however cocky that may sound) and never have to worry that I might FAIL miserably at something I poured my heart into.

I'm not so afraid of failure anymore.

The downside of my work-until-I-pass-out side is that I feel empty when I'm not doing anything. Even when I'm working at an internship I love, writing a memoir, taking side gigs, and doing A&R for a friends play at The Fring (in August), I still feel deflated because I don't have a "real job" and am usually not getting "paid" for my writing. And I revert back to that person who tries to distract herself.

I just woke up to my empty beer bottled filled room and wonder where I've been this month. This isn't an "oh, I'm an alcy" post, and I'm not attempting sobriety. This is more of a declaration to clean my room and my life. I'm going to stop preventing myself from success. And I'm going to lose ten pounds this summer. Yup, you heard it here first.

MGMT in Prospect Park was not so fun, but felt like it should have been. Jessica and Suh were the reason it was good night. MGMT, swarms of high school groupies, new songs I couldn't make out the lyrics to because the mic was so low...not so much.

Endnote, from BV: